So, I’m in San Francisco at the moment (this, combined with moving house and trying to find work, is a sort of explanation [or excuse] for lack of writing…) and, San Francisco being San Francisco, it is awesome. I’ve been here about 36 hours and I’m having loads of fun.
In particular, last night: my first swinger’s party.
Kitty picked me up from where I’m staying around 8, and took me to an amazing ice cream place, then we headed off to Club Kiss.
I’ll confess, I was rather nervous, as although I was, until last night, queer-in-theory, I was practically a fairly firm Kinsey 1 at the most – but also, neither of us really knew what to expect, as I’ve never been to a swinger party (or any other kind of sex party) before – and Kitty, who had been to other Mission Control parties, hadn’t been to Kiss before.
Now, there’s something to note about swinger parties: they are, according to Kitty, and one of the people running last night, often heteronormative, and not kinky. Mission Control is a permanent playspace, so it has a dungeon area (a well lit one!) but until we ventured in there, it wasn’t being used. The dungeon masters were there, and that was it.
Over the course of the evening, we had a few drinks and chatted and socialised with other guests, and a couple of times Kitty and I ventured into the dungeon space. We had a bit of fun with a spanking bench, some cuffs, and paddles and floggers, and then as we’d attracted rather a lot of attention to the equipment, we went off to get another drink and chat again elsewhere. 
I spent what felt like hours in happy-sub-space, and then towards the end of the party, Kitty suggested we make for one of the bedrooms, and of course, I happily followed. There, the one thing I’d specifically asked for of the evening, I got. That old thing people say, about having sex with someone who biologically has the same ‘bits’ and it being amazing? I was dubious, but oh, yes, so true. (Or perhaps Kitty is just very talented. I expect both are accurate.)
I have never known that much pleasure in that short a space of time.
(Kitty, afterwards: “I didn’t think I should say at the time, but in the middle of that, I was thinking, “yeah, she’s not going back to guys!”. Perhaps I will, though I don’t really have a history of dating particularly “male” guys anyway – and besides, it would only be fair to share what I’ve learnt with them… ;)
A vivid description of what I got up to last night isn’t really what this post is about. (Sorry, if that’s what you were hoping for1.)
The one thing that I really noticed this morning, mulling the party over in my head, between the happy, contented grins and sighs, was how comfortable I felt.
It’s been a rather long time since I’ve had sex with someone who was able to make me feel like I could relax and enjoy it all from the beginning right to the day after, without worrying at all about what they’re thinking, or what I “should” be doing, or how I look, or anything else.
And, as I count three people in my head who’ve been able to do this, it made me wonder, too, why I have sex with people who don’t make me feel like that.
I don’t have an answer, at least just yet – I’ll have to think it over some more. But I have some daydreams and happy contented sighs to get back to for now; this may last a while :)
1: you might try Kitty’s account of the evening for that.
I took a look at the Club Kiss website out of curiosity. I noticed that they allow single women but not single men.
My assumption at first was “they want to avoid creepy guys”, which I’m sure is part of it – that’s understandable, though I think we can take it as read that it sucks that it’s necessary, and the reasons for that suck too, blah blah blah.
But it also says “Because a lot of couples come here looking for girls to play with, we prefer not to have an excess of men.”. That I find interesting, since it implies that couples looking for a third are more often looking for a woman. I wonder why that is? All sorts of possible but entirely unsubstantiated reasons spring to mind…
Hi Simon! As a long time Mission Control person and the person behind the Andro-Aperture Project (discussing the objectification of men), I can give you an outline as to why that might be.
1) Women are seen as desirable more often. They’re objectified more frequently and more blatantly in the media and at events, there’s more attention to GBG threesomes, the way porn is shot to feature the woman while the man is faceless, women’s sexuality is controlled and therefore safer, etc. Men’s sexuality, on the other hand, is more likely to be seen as either creepy… or ridiculous. So sex spaces tend to try to get a higher proportion of women (and their media shows more women)- it makes the space look desirable to others.
2) The counterpoint of this, of course, is that a higher female population makes women feel more comfortable. The Power Exchange was a great example of this. While women were free, and couples were $10, single men paid $70 to get in… and they paid it. This led to a large herd of entitled wanking men wandering the space hunting for women. Women and couples generally felt creeped out and stayed away. Many sex spaces try for about 60/40 gender split in preference to women to try and cut down the creepy manherd factor and the entitled single dude factor.
3) Part of why women feel a bit safer when there’s more women is due to rape culture. Even if we don’t get on well with women generally, we’re not really worried that they’re going to be inappropriate with us, while men might.
4) That said, while often the person crossing boundaries is a dude, it’s not always, so there’s a level of false security a party host might feel by stacking the decks in the favour of women. Women are less likely to be called out for touching without permission, leering at sexual situations, and getting too drunk, because they aren’t seen as possible rapists/a serious threat. It’s a dangerous assumption to make.
5) A lot of swingers are really uncomfortable with boy-on-boy. Girl-on-girl is seen as cute and unthreatening. Boy-on-boy is weird, for them. This has a lot to do with social acceptance of bisexuality for women and not men- girl-on-girl is seen as an extended bit of straight culture, while boy-on-boy is queer.
6) Swingers tend to be straaaaaaight. Very straight. So before you think it’s just about men, realize it’s also about straight feminine women being ok, everything else not. Women at these parties dress in stripper wear, while men wear, at best, business casual- a strict support of gender dichotomy. And think about the difference between girl/girl porn and lesbian porn- girl/girl is ok at swinger parties, lesbians, generally not. At Kiss it was fine, but other swinger spaces are anti-kink and would probably not let a butch dyke in either.
7) In threesomes, I’ve discovered that while often women are often expected to wade through their jealousy and discomfort to bring their boyfriend a “special experience”, men will often absolutely refuse. Women can bring in another woman, the “unicorn”, but the guy is pretty unlikely to bring his girlfriend/wife a man home to play. This is starting to shift a bit, but it’s slow going.
Does this give you something to start with?
Interesting, and heavily overlapping with my guesses. Thanks.
No problem. It’s something I think a *lot* about. :)